I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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