Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
dude. I can hear the air.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
