And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
