I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
