It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I touched a dick in church today
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