During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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