Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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