Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
