Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
