I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
