Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
