Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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