So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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