i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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