dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
You should frame my arrest warrant.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
