who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Randomize
