i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
