Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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