We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
