Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
