Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
im about as happy as oj after his trial
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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