she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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