This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
please come you make the beer taste better
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
