do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
