oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
