new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
