How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
