you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
