you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
