I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
