Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
