There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.
It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them
Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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