i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
