wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Randomize
