Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Randomize
