I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
