dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
