I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Shame - the story of my life.
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