I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Randomize
