i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
he puts the penis in happiness.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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