OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
