I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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