Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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