I will die if light touches me.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
