I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
