Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
