Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
