I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
