if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
