I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
